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Revenge – S03.11 – Homecoming

Em is alive!! But not as we know her. Not as she knows herself. She doesn’t remember anything. Except that David Clark is her father. Excellent twist and Miz suspects that this will turn a stagnant tv show back into it’s former glory. And of course Jack was able to reach into the real Emily and bring her back into herself, by simply kissing her on her forehead and giving her a talisman from Amanda-Emily. And then she remembered Daniel shot her. Yes, well played girl.

And of course Lydia was going to get framed here. Don’t mess with Vicky. Though why Conrad didn’t just triple-cross Vicky and then set HER up, thus saving  Daniel and FRAMING VICKY. Miz could write this show. And while we are talking about Daniel, why wasn’t he even concerned that HE SHOT A PERSON? Yes he wanted to hand himself in, but that was much more for his own self rather than human emotion of guilt/sadness/any normal range of human emotion. Perhaps he’s hungover. Well he bloody well deserves to!!

And an Australian assassin – Niko??. Literally sounds the same as the person who narrates criminal investigation Australia. With an Australian name. That means that her and Aiden can live happily ever after. Yah Emily and Jack = end game. But weird that we have literally never heard or seen her before.

Patrick is not Team Nolan; Patrick is Team Vicky. Sad face for Nolan. Now he can exact all the revenge with Emily. Sneaky Patrick is going to be his downfall. Move the safe Nolan. RIGHT NOW.

Oh and no shirtless boys in this episode. Boo-urns.

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5

Revenge S03.06 – Dissolution and S03.07 – Resurgence

Ok so in big-time catch-up mode here, I’m doing these babies back-to-back. And, given how convoluted this series has become of late, that may make for an even more confusing post than usual. Yay! 🙂

First off, the main thing that stood out from these eps was Yay the boys club!! Nolan and Jack finally having The Talk about Emily is the bestest thing ever and I am crazy glad this has happened. First off, it gives them both someone to talk to, as Nolan so eloquently pointed out (honestly, he gets all the best lines), which they need for both general sharing of the Em-stress and also for helping each other avoid the fallout that occasionally (frequently) occurs in the wake of one of Emily’s schemes. Secondly, it was just really sweet (after some characteristic over-reacting; seriously, is everyone in the Hamptons on drugs this season? Calm the farm, folks) and brings back an emphasis to them having a relationship, which I miss – it’s hella cute on its own and really good for Jack; without Nolan, we only ever see Angry!Jack (with Emily), Sad!Jack (with Charlotte) or Confused!Jack (with Margot). None of these is as endearing as Awesome!Jack, who now pretty much only comes out to play when Nolan is there, being equally awesome. Thirdly, they can talk Emily out of ANYTHING to do with Aidan. I am super glad that their joining forces forced her hand into telling them the whole plan, because you just know they will not stand for a) Aidan’s involvement (excellent callout about his uselessness) or b) her disappearing at the end of it. Interesting that she’s intending to frame Vicky for her own murder though – not sure how that will clear her dad’s name or bring down Conrad but I guess it’s a part of something larger? And will explain the scene we saw at the start of the series. Fourthly, I was starting to become slightly worried that Nolan and Jack (the only two male characters worth caring about on the show) were failing a sort of reverse Bechdel test. Alone, they were only concerned with romance, in company with Emily they were only able to talk about her revenge plots. It was getting boring. On which topic, Emily – ‘be rational’ is shitty advice to someone who comes to you with tidings of a new relationship, even if the person they are into is a psychotically unhinged murderous almost-Grayson. And I hope to the Elder Gods that Jack and Nolan have a talk about romance soon, because holy wow Jack – you are super lucky Margot still wants to hook up with you after you sent some of the most crazy mixed signals in tv history by setting up the Most Romantic and Expectation-Creating Date Ever and then bailing?! And also sad blah Amanda’s dead blah. Sorry to be heartless, but that was last season, we didn’t like her that much, you never really knew her, it’s time to move on. Though not with Margot, she annoys me.

A consequence of this recent trend of letting everyone (including the viewer) into people’s minds a little more is that it’s painting Emily in a much better light. She’s seeming much more concerned about proactively protecting good people and all (unless they try to separate her and Daniel – eep!) but I’m slightly worried that this is to do with the writers feeling they may not be back for a fourth season and getting ready to wind up Emily’s story for good at the end of the series. It’s also kind of intriguing, though I have concerns about Emily’s plans, as above. But it’s better than being told nothing, which was getting annoying.

However, when did Aidan and Emily vanishing into the sunset become a thing that was going to happen?!? I am dismayed for several reasons. Firstly this means Aidan is not just being played by Emily (unless she’s playing some hella long game, and even so she has no reason to spin that lie to Nolan and Jack, surely?) and she is actually in love with him again. Sigh. NO! Bad Emily!! Margot will not make Jack happy, and it goes without saying that Aidan is an arrogant toolbag who will not make you happy (I said it anyway because you appear to be amazingly dense with regards to this issue). The happy ending is you and Jack getting a new puppy and living in a fabulous house next door to Nolan who cooks you treats and whose children play with yours. Children he has not spawned with a murderer, narc or terrible actress. Getting back with Aidan ruins this!! THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. *breathe*

Ooookay. On to Vicky!! And Patrick, because those two are sexually confused conjoined twins. I have zero idea what is going on with these two – their motives aren’t just confused, they’re unintelligible. Does Patrick actually like Nolan? Did he really intend to kill Conrad and have no idea he could hurt innocent people (because dude, really?!)? Is he really on such good terms with his ex-wife (and why didn’t that story go anywhere? Will we learn more soon? That was weird) and is she who Nolan thinks she is? Does Victoria actually intend to leave Conrad eventually – why does him having money change that? She can still get money from him if they’re not living together, surely? Does she really trust Patrick enough to put her entire future (well, a gallery) into his hands? And does she really care that little that he tried to *murder* someone and caused the death of an innocent man?!? So. Much. Confuse. I am at least glad that what I thought was her transferring her inappropriate sexual chemistry with Patrick to Aidan (note to self – if ever visiting Grayson manor, bring barricades for bathroom doors) was actually nothing of the sort, but her throwing him out so quickly is super odd too. Ugh, she’s a hot mess of wut atm. And I find it really odd that she was so eager for Charlotte to take the blame for Patrick. I thought she was super eager to get Charlotte to love her again?!

More confusion with Conrad – why does he need a publicist? Surely he’s become the Hamptons’ answer to Anthony Weiner by now – his career should be unsalvageable. Also, didn’t he resign as Governor? So, what is he rehabilitating his image for? And while I’m glad Nolan got a little revenge of his own (and ow, that story was pretty dreadful! But also evil!Nolan is haaawwwwttt…) does this mean the PR onslaught will have been checked? If so it feels really weird – that was a full-on media management strategy Ms Bizzy was planning – not the sort of thing that goes away because you get fired (and surely Conrad wouldn’t keep her once all her other clients drop her, nē?) so removing her wouldn’t solve Emily’s problems.

Another slight plot-gripe – surely once Conrad’s called and bawled out his lawyer for not noticing that they lost 30ft of ground (thus making them erosion-prone?) said lawyer would’ve done some digging and found out that the one document the estate agent found on the record didn’t match the copy presumably held at the Environmental agency / by the lawyer himself? That seems like a very weak plot to stop the house sale, Ems, although I guess it only has to hold for a few weeks, and you’ve successfully smeared Conrad with every estate agent for miles, so maybe it’s all she needs. After all, as we keep being reminded, it All Ends August 8.*

Lastly and leastly, Daniel and his wandering penis. I mean, heart. Sigh. They’ve brought in Sarah in a rush, and I just don’t care, and Charlotte’s trying to be sneaky, and I just… Ugh. Sarah seems sweet, or whatever, but I am not going to be sad when she gets taken down. And I can’t believe Daniel ‘truly loves her’ because a few weeks ago, while still engaged to Emily, he was considering hooking up with Margot, and he has shown no intention of breaking up with Ems because of Carcrash girl – basically I assume he has terrible short-term memory and can only concentrate on the boobs right in front of him at that very second. It’s not that he’s unfaithful, it’s that he’s brain-damaged.

*Minor whinge – I don’t like that the big finale, which will air in probably March or April, is set for August 8. I know they have to have it set at the end of summer because that’s when people are in the Hamptons (and 8/8 double infinity clever woo), but I got super excited when Dr Who (Whovian comparisons always being relevant) managed to work a Very Important Date (the end of space and time / Big Bang Take II / Amy’s wedding) into the transmission date of the series finale and it feels weird to have everyone going ‘ooh August 8 August 8’ when you know it’s gonna happen in like April. Sigh. Why can’t everything be a little more Whovian?

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Revenge – S03.05 – Control

Miz was amped up from watching The Block. TechSupport was in bed. Miz still had wine in her glass. Thus follows Revenge. JJ, feel free to give an actual review soon ha! This is pretty much the one liners that Miz would have shouted if JJ was nearby slash feel free to read these while watching this episode. In summary: Nolan kills it in quotes this episodes.

Miz wishes she has a green and red security system to tell her when her alarm was enabled and un-enabled/disabled.

I guess Aiden hasn’t lied to Emily, but I would be pissed at him if I was her (pinning the brakes on Jack).

Topless Jack. YAH!

Patrick by a pool. Again.

Daniel’s speckled grey suit is okay. Is this new fashion? Have I lost track on what is cool or not? Heaven forbid.

Yip, Daniel and Emily should never been married.

i wants Vicky’s red lipstick. Reckon there is a site that sells that?

VICKY IS WEARING THAT DRESS?! That is like exactly like her Vera Wang wedding/vows renewal dress. Right? Or am I losing my mind??

Charlotte’s hair. Miz wants it.

Charlotte mentioned Sarah. Is that the one that Daniel hurt during drunk driving? Way low writers, way low.

Nolan asked Patrick about Mama Bear. CUTE> Also Patrick found out about Nolan approaching his ex-wife. Ru-row.

GO HOME French girl. That shade of yellow is all wrong on you. Also, take Daniel with you. Elope. Yes, do that.

Vicky’s hair is nice. Dare I say that unless Em strikes me down.

Why isn’t Vicky at her new art gallery job?

Have Jack and Aiden actually never met????? JJ, CONFUSED. Surely they have!!

Wants Nolan’s teal jacket.

“.. I’m kinda tired about how this stuff is screwing up our lives.”. Us too Nolan, us too. This whole scene had good quotes which basically sum up the entire show.

Yah half naked Aiden.

Swoon, Em’s dress and whole look. Stealing. Oh and then  in a later scene we see it is a black pants suit. No deal.

French girl is wearing shiny stuffs. It’s cool. But I don’t like racerback. I just don’t think that racerback makes for formal party wear.

Charlotte’s dress is ug. Colour is excellent though, just wish it fitted better.

Jack is Team Emily. They work out that Aiden is behind this. Boo. “Who are you”. “You can’t even trust the people you have on your side”. Aint that the truth.

Can I have Charlotte’s up do sans fringe when I get married?

Aiden is jealous. Well duh. Reckon Em’s will run off and be all revengeful on something that Aiden dictates/ nah-ah. Aiden will die.

Patrick has muscles. Yip yip. Pause.

6 months has gone by??? WTF. That’s not a summer.

Vicky is wearing sequins which Miz likes. Thigh slit, no deal.  sigh.

Daniel feels like he is playing a role. Well, he is. But sad that he has real emotions. Granted, they shouldn’t be together, but it’s still sad. The break up could have been done better though!!

“The more things you try to control, the more room for error.” Nolan is KILLING it with soundbites this episode. Can’t be upset about that.

CHARLOTTE did the brakes?! No deal. Argh, Charlotte, go home / off to college. No one likes you. Except your fringe. I like your bangs. There is no way that Conrad is being sincere. Also, I think I don’t like the actor that plays Conrad.

But then of course, Patrick did it. Maybe? What did she have over Charlotte to make HER confess. ARGH THIS SHOW!!! There’s no way she wants to protect Jack. This show makes no sense.

Is the boat the same place as she gets shot in her wedding dress? Or wedding rehearsal white fluffy dress?

You didn’t grow up in a house just like this. You grew up IN THIS HOUSE. So many lies.

Em tears. Sad. But she is a good actress. She doesn’t even like Daniel. Wedding saved.

Jack is going to go all INSANE on your ass as kid is out of the way.

YES PATRICK AND NOLAN!!! BEST PASH EVER>

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Revenge – S03.03 – Confession

OH MAN this was one of the best episodes of Revenge Miz has seen for a very long time – even though there was no red sharpie! Oh man oh man oh man.

Immediate thoughts:

– Aiden IS working with Emily to take down Vicky. Huzzah! And they seem to love each other which is actually growing on me even though I’m Team Jack. Interestingly I’ve turned away from GO HOME AIDEN NO ONE LIKES YOU to YAH PLOT TWIST GO AIDEN BRING DOWN VICKY. Aiden got shot in the heart by Daniel and Emily only just found out. That is very cute. Also, prediction: Aiden will die at the end of this season so that Emily and Jack can be together with no(t many) strings.

– If Nolan and Patrick have a passionate love affair, I wouldn’t be upset. Quite the opposite really. Writers MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Sparks.

– Do all rich people wear white to parties? If so, we need to jump on that bandwagon immediately.

– Loved the family photograph of the Greyson’s in the background while Conrad and Vicky have their tiff and vases are thrown. Also, on that note, do rich people have different bankruptcy rules than others? Surely they would have had to sell all these vases, NOT TO MENTION THEIR HUGE HOUSE.From: http://www.buddytv.com/slideshows/revenge/revenge-season-3-photos-40409.aspx

– Was Miz the only one who was wishing that it was Conrad who had been thrown from the car? Did the car crash cos Conrad was on the meds? Or was it sabotaged by someone (Vicky, Patrick, Daniel, Charlotte, etc = there is a big list!)?

– Does Nolan dress up for fun or for reals? He convict t-shirt of his own mugshot was hilariously awesome but his party outfit was just comical.

Oh, so man emotions. I loved the scene at the party between Emily and Vicky where Emily announces that the Greyson’s are now bankrupt. The other favourite scene was when Emily disrupted Patrick and Vicky’s lunch on the deck – their banter is one of the BEST things about this show. Other plot lines are dragged out and alliances change, characters change motivations, but Emily and Vicky’s banter goes strong. Well played writers.

Daniel is a wuss. He annoys Miz: tells Emily off in a childish manner for keeping secrets and then well and behold, we has not told her about shooting Aiden OR that awful French girl tried to seduce him. Also random French girl is fierce but I didn’t see her and Jack together. Well played writers. Also, he’s entirely made it obviously to French girl that there is something about Nolan he doesn’t want anyone to know. Good work on keeping him a secret; you’ve just made fierce French girl more interested and determined. Fail101.

Final shout out to the writers: After Nolan interrupts Daniel and Emily’s “disagreement”, we next see them at the party. And Daniel calls Emily “Babe”. If looks could kill, Daniel would be dead. What a snotty terms of endearment after a fight about fidelity and truth. Grrr. Well played writers.

Final final though: Surely Daniel needs to die in this programme or get sent to run the magazine in France? JJ, thoughts? My thoughts of “go home Aiden” have rapidly shifted to “go home Daniel no one likes you.”

3

Revenge – S03.02 – Sin

JJ is out on a date this week so Miz took the opportunity to get in first and discuss this week’s Revenge episode. Love you LONG TIME JJ!! If it helps, you really just missed nice-Emily trying to outplay bad-Emily – her conscience may be getting on her nerves, but it’s not getting the better of her just yet, despite what her dad’s journals say to the contrary. “I knew you hadn’t gone full darkside” … “It’s too late.”

So, Aiden really is working with Victoria … Apparently …  But I can’t help but think that if he was working with her, why doesn’t he simply tell her who Emily is? Surely that news is a home run. (Also, I’m assuming Aiden knows the whole story of why Emily wants revenge – JJ, does he know that she’s really Amanda? Surely yes right??) Does that leave an opening for Emily to actually still have him on side. Seems unlikely though. GO HOME AIDEN no one likes you. [Can Aiden get a cameo on GoT?!]

Talking about people no one likes, CONRAD. No one likes you. I agree that you should be selling all your things, but man you’re just a dick. Well played Emily for the nice touch in spiking the drink which made Conrad question his own mortality, however Conrad will never confess –  well certainly that is true for the Conrad-of-the-last-two-seasons. Well played indeed.

Nolan got sexytime. Boom chuka whop wah. Awesomesauce. And now bakes blueberry muffins?! What a hottie. This week Nolan plays the character of “good cop” on Emily’s shoulder. And Emily steals Nolan’s baking and gives it to Conrad. She’s such an excellent caregiver. Cough. I appreciated the re-regifting of the muffins of Victoria to Nolan. Well played writers, well played indeed.

Emily still has the infinity chest of DOOM WITH THE RED SHARPIE!! Actual red sharpie. Yeeeessssssss. And a new victim to cross off – Father Paul – who worked for Grayson Global 10 years ago before finding his higher calling. Guess what? In a huge plot twist (cough) Emily and Daniel have asked Father Paul to preside over their ceremony. Yadda yadda yadda, Conrad paid Paul off in the past for something blemishing: “Better to be honestly unhappy, than dishonestly so”. Father Paul YOU MAKE NO SENSE. I guess it is another character that they need to expand on. And for Emily to beat up. And then for him to fall on his metaphorical sword. Though no red sharpie cross suggests that Emily (a) has either developed a conscious, or (b) we haven;t seen the last of him.

SO MANY RED SHARPIES. Jack has one. Love love love it. That is all.

Charlotte had a superficial conversation to Jack (not with Jack – she cannot maintain a two-sided conversation) about missing Declan and how bad things happen to good people, or something, cross referencing her dad. BOO CHARLOTTE wake up and smell the fact that your father is responsible for his demise.  Also, Charlotte hating on Emily? This is surely superficial – writers are totally clutching at straws. Charlotte loved Emily; and Miz thinks it was reciprocal (as much as it can be when someone is lying). Also, the failed pregnancy reared it’s ugly head again tonight – Charlotte has been blaming herself this whole time. At least she showed some guilt and that it’s miscarriage rather than an abortion. But still URGH storyline from season 2.

Emily wants Patrick part of the wedding? Super confusing. Then she buys one of Patrick’s paintings or Nolan does? I though he had disappeared. FOREVER (cue distressing music). Obviously that didn’t happen. Does forever mean nothing these days!?!? Also, there is still totally a sexual undertone to Victoria and Patrick and introducing him to Victoria’s family? Very very weird. The whole family dinner scene was super.awkward. Hated it. Hate the Patrick storyline. Grumble. (Also seems like Patrick isn’t Emily’s pawn – maybe a third person involved here. Watch this space).

Jack and Emily had a nice meetup. WITH PUPPIES! Foreshadowing /  trying to make this relationship pure. I’m worried about these two. I want these to literally run off into the sunset together. Odds?

French girl and magazine. Don’t like. Like her dress and underwear though. Nuff said. And did Daniel just go there?!?! NO NO NO DEAL dude. Emily has been so nice to you Daniel (well kinda). “I’d told her I’d sleep on it”. OH COME ON DANIEL. Stop drink, and grow up. Though apparently nothing happened, which I find it hard to believe. Grumble grumble.

All-in-all a strong Revenge episode. Miz just hates so many characters … it’s like the show you love to hate. Is it bad that I hope it finishes this season with Emily actually dying, as was shown at the beginning of last episode? Totes not going to happen, but still. Grumble.

PS I want Charlotte’s dress.

From: tumblr_mtxi39lgib1s76je8o1_r1_500

PPS Just realised Asheligh has gone. Hopefully for good. Maybe the plane blew up, though we didn’t hear anything about it so highly unlikley. Hooray! I shall drink to that!

6

Revenge S3.01 – Fear

This is basically just a play-by-play of my reactions to Revenge’s S3 opener, which I had high hopes for. David E. Kelley had a pretty lacklustre run in S2, but I’m backing him to return to form this season. Hey, sequels are hard.

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So we start with a flash-forward of Emily in a (?)wedding dress that would make Natalie Portman’s cuckoo ballerina swoon, saying “sorry” and getting shot. Which seems like something she’d do herself, so fair call. They haven’t left much wiggle room for her to come out unscathed – you see blood coming from bullet wounds in her abdomen and there sure isn’t room for much Kevlar in the bodice. So we zoom into Emily lying in the water in a weirdly Christ-on-the-cross pose, then merge and out into a ‘2 months previously’ of her and Daniel by the pool. I love how vaguely disgusted she always looks when she’s with Daniel but not making direct eye contact with him. Anyway, the engagement’s back on and we find out there’s been a 6-month jump since the end of S2, during which Daniel and Emily have been… canoodling? Also, he’s unemployed. I feel that, bro.

Moving along to Victoria and a mystery man, who is clearly her son, but EW why are the writers pretending he’s her lover? And are we srsly supposed to believe Victoria has been rusticating in equine simplicity for 6 months?! And they just confirmed he’s her son so, again, WHY all the awkward and icky Oedipal subtext in his intro? *And* why is Charlotte a stone cold bitch now? This could be interesting for her, but I feel like they’ll beige it out, as always happens with promising Charlotte storylines. Phaa. It’s like they think of something really cool for her (drugs! the death of her boyfriend! a fringe!) but then can’t be bothered actually committing to following it through. Anyway.

Emily meeting Nolan as he is released from jail, having done exactly zero on-screen jail time = happy feels!! Also love the glib ‘oh btw this is how I got out LOLZ’. They do this with Nolan, because he’s obvi smarter than anyone, including the writers, so his storylines never get as fully realised as they should. It’s all hand-waved at the end with ‘oh, because he’s a genius but has dreadful time management skills/taste in partners/whatever shhh’.

Hehe “arctic pools”. That is all. I’m over Conrad.

Ashley is trying to blackmail Emily. Huh, I wonder how that’ll go for her. Watching her trying to be hard-ass is kind of adorable, though. Like a kitten trying to roar. But I am probs more scared of the kitten than I am of her. Oooh and now it’s gonna be Emily and Victoria vs. Ashley. This will be the shortest battle ever. Also, I predict that Victoria’s piano interlude will turn out to have been foreshadowing the revelation that she was a musical wunderkind, cruelly exploited by a foster parent or aunt or something. Everything in her backstory is a freaking Dickensian melodrama. Speaking of which, ugh, so over the Conrad/Victoria ‘forced together but bickering’. Although I did love how in that scene Charlotte was right between them during the fight but only got one reaction shot. It’s like even the director forgot she was there.

Emily has bought Nolan a house, because she ‘owed him’ one. I don’t get that reference (something to do with NolCorp?), but I don’t care, because NolEm and gorgeous scenery. Seriously, these two always live in such fantastic places. She’s got rustic glam, like a super-Country Road, and his places are always so full of water, straight lines and blue. Does want. There should be a ten minute clip after each episode of him just walking around his various fabulous abodes being gorgeous.

Ok, back to the ep in hand. Charlotte has gone to find Patrick, because she thinks he’s her mother’s lover, because of course she does. He wanders out from the shower in a towel. Ew ew ew what is with this overly sexual brother?! Not ok. Put on some damn pants when you meet your sister!! I mean, sure she broke in, but excuse yourself! Awkward turtles all round. And the revalation was another Disappointing Charlotte. She just went “oh, that is SO LIKE MOM!” Yeah, ok mini-crazy.

To the Stowaway!! Has this place just been closed for 6 months? Why has everyone magically come back to town the same day? And how has Jack been living, if the bar’s closed? More importantly, why is Emily surprised that Jack is still pissed? Seriously, you could kind have guessed that. And wow, he is super harsh. The whole “I love you, haha no j/k”? Ouch. That shit was mean in kindy and it’s meaner now. Although it would have been a hella anticlimax after all the pussyfooting around and starcrossed soul-gazing of the past two seasons.

Right, so Patrick asks Victoria to swing by because rich people don’t own phones that can call, only text. Irrational side note, I hate it when women say “this is just something I threw together”. No, it’s a dress and some tastefully understated jewellery. Unless you whipped the frock up on your Bernina this morning, you didn’t throw anything together. You got dressed. Congrats. Maybe soon you can learn to use a fork.

Anyway. I am loving watch Vicky go all psycho-needy on the boy – I’m almost understanding his apparent boundary issues! Also, of course he’s an artist. Of course. Ugh. And why does he seem so well-adjusted? Only possible solution is that he’s an Emily plant. There’s no way that amount of crazy is not hereditary. In the space of a few hours Charlotte has released all her least-favourite-child pent up angst at him, and Victoria has told him that wanting to go back to the life he presumably had for 20-something years before dropping into her life six months ago, for a *visit*, is awful because he’s leaving FOREVER and it’s all because she abandoned him. Wow. Yeah, no, can’t imagine why he’d want to run far, far away.

Finally we get to the big party that everyone’s been talking about all episode. If this is actually what the rich and famous do all day, it kind of sounds awful. They need to take a lesson from Lady Sybil. But for all her fashion-forward-ness, even the great Sybil would have to agree that Ashley’s dress is hilarious. It’s like her nipples are staging a violent exit. I feel like I should be enraged on behalf of womankind that the price for silence was basically ‘pimp me to your rich contacts’, but I can’t take her seriously enough to have any real emotions. The dresses are nice, and I like how Emily manages a very subtle LOOK AT ME by wearing cream and red to an all-white do. Scandal.

Nolan onna hanglider!!!! +50 points. Ahem.

Poisoning Conrad? Ballsy but I feel it lacks Emily’s usual finesse. I just thought she was gonna make him drunk and douchey. Let his inner jerk fly. But, no, to Hospital!! Eep, why is the Doctor trying to terrify the  family with all the medicobabble? Terrible bedside manner. But if Emily’s faked the Huntingdon’s, this is the *best* revenge yet!!!

Oooh back home and Jack is laying it all on the line and giving deadlines – this is the tension Ashley could never hope to generate, not with 50 blackmailable secrets and 500 questionably-executed garments. Speaking of whom, the Verbal Destruction of Ashley is amazing. Especially the Croyden dig. Ouch. Bye bye pretty lady!

Ok, the wedding’s on. What’s the significance of August 8? Ooooh 8/8 – double infinity. Of course.

Haha red marker!! And she DID fake the Huntingdons! Using Nolan tech-wizardry!! This is always the best bit. Emily being evil and Nolan being supportive and quietly fantastic. And spelling out the symbology. Bless. Hmm, but the fake-Huntingdons will only persist as a problem until they re-test Conrad (do they do that? It seems like a thing you should do. Monitor things and suchlike.) and then it will become *very* obvious that some major, above-Ashley-level shenanigans have been perpetrated. Maybe with the sped-up timeline, she just doesn’t care?

Oh, another scene which I thought was a dream sequence but WHUT?! Aidan?? No. Leave, Aidan. No-one wants you here. Bad Aidan!

So, an uneven but generally good return to form for one of the most ridonkulous shows I watch. Red pen and NolEm chicanery = very good. Long periods of Victoria hate-grimacing at Emily, Conrad and Victoria doing angry verbal foreplay and Charlotte and Aidan continuing to exist = bad.

Over to you Miz!