Once Upon a Time S03.07 – Dark Hollow

They’ve only been gone 5 days?! This seems far too short a time for the last 6 eps to have happened in! Although it would make Camp Chats-a-Lot somewhat less indecisive.

More importantly, we’re back in the Real World! But soft, who are these two hipsters? OMG if Eric’s one of the hipsters I will be cross. Although it would fit some contemporary imaginings of his ladylove. And back in Storeybrooke, where the Terrible Twosome are headed, I’ve missed Archie! He was adorabubble. More Old-Town Storeybrooke please, writers. Speaking of which, down to the mines we go (because fairy dust), where we learn magic is just about self-belief?! Lame face. Also, more dwarves please. Grumpy’s face when he saw Ariel = happiness. Literally! And then they go to town and Granny is all sassy and it’s like we NEVER LEFT!!! Why would we leave here, writers? WHY? And apparently we’re not mentioning the fact that Red has left the show… that’s not at all awkward.

But now – girly moment in Gold’s shop. Belle and Ariel (who are best friends because of course they are and also SQUEE), *ahem* Belle and Ariel find a Princess-Leia-esque Rumple-projection inna seashell. So sweet to see she’s still on a redemption quest! (inward sigh about men needing to be saved by women who see themselves as weak, thereby belying their own, uniquely female power of healing with devotion…)

Back on Neverland (ugh), we’re shadow-chasing! So this is how the Shadow becomes a big bad – it’s a MacGuffin! Charming and Snow are still having the ‘where will we live oh yeah on Neverland BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE DYING’ argument most couples have at one time or another, but you know he’s in the doghouse because he has to call her Mary Margaret. But the one good thing about Snow and Charming – when they communicate? Even if it’s with shouty voices, they communicate good. A+ kids, A+. The others, meanwhile, are off to find more bullshit psychology. I mean the Dark Hollow, or Pit of the Always Dark (Emotions) or something. Gah, whoever designed Neverland lived in 80s fantasy movies. Also I’m pretty sure the entrance to ShadowLand is through the Fire Swamp. No ROUS’s at present though, thankfully (sadly?!).

Elsewhere, lols, Henry is smarter than the average bear. Especially with regards to not going to see the ‘secret things’ with the creepy mini-psycho. Yeah, there was no way to not make that sound molest-y. Pan is just getting creepier and creepier and yet I cannot be bothered writing about him and Henry. He has plans and is epically sketchy, Henry is valiantly resisting but for how long, yadda yadda…

Back to Storeybrooke, where Ariel and Belle are hunting for Rumple’s secret tricksy puzzle. And we get more Ariel lols. Corkscrew! Button! Shiny! When Belle finally realises the ‘strength of their love’ refers to the teacup he used to restore her memory TWICE and GLUED BACK TOGETHER after she smashed it in a fit of amnesiac-pique (which, duh!), they are led to – ta-dah! Pandora’s box! I love Ariel’s very sensible distrust of the most dickish of all the Gods’ curses. Surely Belle’s heard of this before?! I know hope is in the bottom, but there’s a metric crap-ton of dreadful nasties on top, love! Suddenly – villains! *sigh* Why are the baddies always Brits? I know we do good sardonic eyebrows, but typecast much?

In Shadowland, lighter shenanigans result in the ‘revelation’ that Neal is a douche and Hook is gallant. EMMA YOU ARE A DUNCE CHOOSE HOOK. *ahem* Although ugh Hook her ‘choice’ can be to choose neither of you. That’s still a valid option. Or, actually, both, but with their egos that would be super difficult to juggle. Kind of hot, but super difficult and totally probably almost certainly a bit not worth it possibly. Inappropriate thoughts, interrupted by terribly CGI’d shadows!! But now Emma will use Magic! It’s predictably effective! Although also lol her magic-face is funny. Huh, and in another piece of unknown intra-world symmetry, now we have two magic boxes with horrors and hope inside! Ooooh, parallels…

Back down t’mines, Belle saves the day with the slow-moving cart of doom!! And OMFG the villains are the Darlings!!!!!!!!!! So many happies. That explains the glasses. So we flash back to the ‘carefully prepared Henry trap’ that I’m quite disappointed fooled our Boy Wonder, and it’s baited with Wendy, and holy wow Pan is still very rapey. And his Henry/Wendy set up is super creepy, though I’m pleased she’s not all Stockholm syndrome’d, just kind of weak and hopefully unaware of what she’s doing? Don’t wanna think too much about that, please. Henry, get her back to her brothers ASAP pls.

Finally, back to R&R and a successful mission. More of them please. Better introspection together. Also Ariel is very kind and not at all schemey. I would’ve refused to hand over the box till I got Eric’s new name, address and phone number. Sheesh girl!

Camp-Moans-a-Lot is finally getting some action! In terms of rescuing Henry (TINK’S BACK!!) and Hook and Neal showing their hands. Which means Neal awkwardly adverting to the fact he accidentally and unawaredly (not a word but should be) impregnacised Emma, and Hook being all winky and suave and generally gorgeous. HOW IS THIS A CONTEST?! *breath* Sorry. Although, Neal did apologise, and Hook did utter the lame line ‘It’s not the lighter we’re fighting over’ which, yes is cute and self-deprecatingly acknowledging the silliness of the situation and charming and swoon and all, but still. Kind of a ‘jar‘ moment compared to Neal’s subsequent apology.

So we end with Henry and Pan looking at the creepy skull island where heart doings will happen to ‘save magic’. Yeah Boy Genius is gonna end up flayed and deaded if all goes to Pan. Sigh.

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But Tink’s back and Ariel and Belle are friends and Archie is back, so I am content to say that, for now, all is well.

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