Once Upon a Time S3.05 – Good Form

So, this post is the day after the latest ep, which I also haven’t yet seen, because my life is currently too busy to recap A HOOK EPISODE. That is how busy I have been. Consequently a different approach to today’s (/last week’s) episode – brought to you by the letter D (for O’Donoghue. Ok, just because lots of these started with D. Shhh, it’s late here).

Drool. Ok, so this was Hook’s backstory, where we finally see what turned him into a pirate (no-one that cute is born bad, it’s just science), so obviously the main bonus of the ep was lots of Hook screen time. Also included was Hook’s inexplicably Australian brother. Huh. I love the whole “universal” vibe they’re apparently trying to pull off with accents from all over the world happily sharing a postcode, but brothers (especially those who are also BFFs) generally have the same accent. Or at least accents from the same hemisphere. Unless Aus (Oz?!?) is next to Jolly Olde Englande in Hook’s world? Too many conspiracy theories. Moving on.

Disappoint – the backstory went as follows: Hook is the Britishest Britisher that ever Britished, and a thoroughly Good Sport, wanting to see Good Form and Fair Play by all. He’s 2IC to his big brother’s Captain on some King’s ship, and they’re off to a Secret Location (*Hint: Neverland*) to find something their King has assured Captain Broski is a Miraculous Salve to Heal All Wounds and Restore Potency. This is obviously a terrible idea because whenever more than one sibling sets out to accomplish a task, it ends up as a Highlander situation, but they must have missed that memo. They rock up to Neverland, meet Pan being creepy, dismiss his warning that the ‘miracle cure’ is actually the deadly Dreamshade (because he’s just a spirited lad and they are Emissaries of his Majesty Whomever), find the Dreamshade and when Hook sensibly expresses doubts that Pan could be telling the truth and therefore the motives of their King might not be entirely pure and he might know full well that the Dreamshade is poison most foul, Big Brother (in a typically masculine show of stupidity and bravado) rips off a vine and scratches himself with it. He has about three seconds of condescending ‘see, don’t you feel silly for doubting our wonderful King?’ before he dies. From the super-poisonous plant that the friendly (though creepy) native warned you about. Sigh. Ahh the British.

Dastardly – suddenly, Pan appears and tells Hook he can save his brother by giving him water from the waterfall flowing behind the massive Dreamshade bush. Hook does so, Broski revives, all is happy and they return to the boat to get the crap away from creepy Neverland. All is well until, upon leaving Neverland, Broski dies. Turns out the water only reverses the Dreamshade’s effects in Neverland. Outside its nebulous boundaries, you’re toast. For some reason, this trickery of Pan’s is almost unremarked upon by Hook, who instead directs all his anger at his erstwhile King, who would send his men off on a journey to an uncharted land (ruled by a pint-size psychopath) to recover what they now know is a super-deadly poison, presumably to help in their vague and unspecified but apparently long-running war against a Power or Powers Unknown. Cannons which can obliterate entire ships full of men are all jolly hockey sticks, but poison is Not Good Form, apparently. So, what’s a man who has received second-hand orders which turned out to contain inaccurate information from which he was able to concoct an elaborate conspiracy theory to do? Turn pirate, of course!!! This is apparently done by mussing up one’s uniform and shouting a lot. It is not apparent at which point the eyeliner is busted out, but I like to believe he burned his silly hat and, as he squinted into the flames of his old life, some of the ashes settled delicately, catching in the lashes around his gorgeous, dreamy eyes… I’m sorry, I Drifted off.

Duty – Back in the present day, Hook decides to save Charming’s life by tricking him up to the Dreamshade fountain by telling him he has a compass which can get them out of Neverland once they’ve rescued Henry (turns out that does exist, but we don’t yet know where it is). He has to do this because Charming would rather die trying to save his family than take time to cure himself. Charming also claims Hook is selfish because he’s only helping Emma because he loves her. Um, WTF? First off, if you can save yourself, you’ll be around a lot longer to help with the saving-your-family thing. Also, why is it selfish to help someone you love? Hook hasn’t made his help contingent on Emma’s hand in marriage. He hasn’t bartered a single smooch for his inside info (their chemistry, btw, still amazing. Or maybe it’s just his. I get distracted so it’s hard to say. Also the antagonism is totally working. Very Emily and Cranky!Jack. Ahem). ALSO also, Emma rejecting him was deeply ouch. Again, much like Jack and Emily. His gorgeous wounded beautiful sad soulful eyes!! *ahem* Thirdly also, I resent how willing Charming is to die away from Snow and Emma and leave Hook to a) bring back his body b) explain how he died and c) deal with any (fairly reasonable) suspicion of tricksy Charming-killing that may come his way as a result, especially as Pan tried to get him to go all stabby-stabby on the Charmster anyway (sidenote – why? That will need to be explored in future eps, as will Pan’s weirdly seductive tone with Hook. Not ok Tiny Terrorist, although you do get some good lines).

Double Dilemma – Hook, being the Thoroughly Decent Rapscallion that he is, tells Charming of the water’s curse before making him drink, so that he can make an informed choice. Charming decides to go through with it, as it gives him a better chance to help his family. DUH!! Anyway, back on the forest floor, Regina is convincing Emma to let her disenhearten a Lost Boy and puppet-master him back to Henry with a magic mirror so they can talk to him and tell him they’re coming. Snow says no, Emma is desperate and agrees. Regina makes the slightly odd point that ‘that’s what she’s there for’ – she gets her hands dirty so Snow and Emma don’t have to. Couple of points. 1) Lana Parilla is really good at this cold, haughty, yet tragic thing. I wanna see her on revenge taking down Victoria Grayson. 2) Whut? Just because you’re not actively doing something it doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility. Emma agreed and Snow didn’t stop Regina. Consequently Emma, at least, is equally in the wrong. Anyway, Henry gets the message so he’s shiny for the time being, though Pan’s started drawing out his magic. I foresee the onset of the Terrible Teens when he gets back to his mothers, backed up with magic. That’ll be fun!

Darling – Regina and Emma’s simultaneous ‘yech’ at Charming and Snow kissing. KYOOT. Also, obvi, The Kiss. When Charming and Hook turn up, Charming tells them all Hook saved him in a non-truthful fashion (and they fête him by nicking his rum, rude!) and Hook and Emma have a truly adorable ‘oh, I’d kiss you, but you couldn’t handle it’. ‘No, *you* couldn’t handle it’. ‘Nuh-uh, you!!’ back and forth, followed by a paint-blistering smooch. Also, Emma does an adorable Dick-van-Dyke-esque English accent and Hook says ‘As you wish’ and I Died. A lot.

aDditional Dilemma (shhh, late)! We end the ep with yet another quandry. Pan turns up and tells Hook that he’s disappointed in him, and so, to test whether Hook is as good as he apparently thinks he is, Pan tells him that Neal is alive, and on the island right now* – so will Hook tell Emma? Please don’t… but then don’t get busted! Yeah, that’s an awesome plan. So, Denial and Deception until next week, then? Jolly good.

*in case we’ve forgotten that this is true, we immediately afterwards see Neal being hoisted up in a fetchingly rustic, people-sized bird cage next to a Mysterious Other Captive. My money’s on it being Rumple. They need more father-son time. Also, couldn’t Henry have mentioned Neal being on the island via mirror**? Hmm, seems like a natural reaction would be ‘oh, moms, yay! are you with my dad who I heard of recently? No? Ok, well camp is fine, but a bit weird, pls come rescue me soon…’ etc.

**I’m sure he knows, doesn’t he? Memory hazy… If not, forget I said anything, carry on.

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